firstnight

**I need to think about the first night ** **February 14th, Valentine’s Day ** **Filled with mundane parties and worries ** **But now mom won’t tell me what’s wrong. ** **“Just let me talk to Anthony” ** **And she sounds so calm. ** **This is something  ** **I was waiting for ** **We knew this would happen ** **Oh, my brother, ** **He’s the nice one. ** **The drive to the hospital, ** **Surreal ** **Running into the emergency room ** **And my legs won’t hold me up. ** **The nurse’s face ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Head tilted to the left ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Such pity ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">WHERE IS MY BROTHER? ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">So many people ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Friends who cannot look at each other ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">They just stare at their hands ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Or the floor. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">I’m so cold ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Shaking ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Sitting in my red pajama pants ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Covered with grandmother’s coat. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Dad’s grey face… ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">He’s crying, ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">A broken heart ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">I’ve never seen that before. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;"> “Do you want to see him?” they ask ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">And I want to scream //NO// ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">But it’s my brother lying in that bed ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Swollen and fluid-filled, ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Crisscrossed with wires and tubes, ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Head wrapped in bandages. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">I stare at his foot ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Though my eyes slowly travel to his head. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Dark and curly hair shaved away, ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">His little bloody ear. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">I think that blood in the ear isn’t good ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">I know this because of the movies I’ve seen. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Now we live in the waiting room, just ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Waitingwaitingwaiting ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">For what, we don’t know. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Laying on the chair but I don’t sleep. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">The clock says 4:30 in the morning, ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Quick math… ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">How long has this been our life? ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">We stand every time the door swings open ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">But it’s just a lady with sheets ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Or some nameless nurse. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Hysterical laughter, ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">But why can’t I cry? ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">No gag ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">No cough ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Doesn’t move ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Doesn’t blink ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">They don’t come back from that. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Mom throws her body into the wall ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Dad holds her back ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Can’t someone give her something ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">To stop the screaming? ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Blood pressure dropping ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">CATscan…it’s bad. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Organ donation  ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">And I still can’t cry. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">We can’t do anything  ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">But then there’s a way ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Temporal lobe, bone flap ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Waiting during the second surgery ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Prayingprayingpraying ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Laying on the floor of the chapel, ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Playing with Robby’s hair ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Twisting it up into little ginger twirls. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">My mouth is so dry ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Pleasegodpleasegodpleasegod… ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Laying in front of the crucifix ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Pray ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Barter ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Bargin ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;"> Anything to make this not true. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Waiting for the surgeon, ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Did we ever see him? ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">It’s over ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">And now we waitwaitwaitwaitwait ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Through the first 72 hours we wait. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Watching the monitors, ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">ICP, CPP, blood pressure ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Look at the bottom number ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">That’s the important one. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">First grade teacher-doctor now. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Heart rate’s fast, ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Blue blanket cooling him down. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Tube in his mouth ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">And his lips look just like mine. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Respirator pumping,  ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Chest hitching up and down, ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">In a mechanical sort of way ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Breathing…but not really, ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Just an awful clicking sound. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Assist the vent, ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Breathe! ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Eyes twitch? ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Please move! ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">We watch him too closely ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Every little sign is hope. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Preachers ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Priests ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Psychics ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Healers ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">They surround his bed. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Native American medicine man  ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">With the cigerette ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">So put that in your pipe ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">And smoke it. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">The drum and hey yah yah yah… ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Can you do this in the hospital? ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">And isn’t that silly… ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">We all did it anyway. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Just hold hands and pray ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">And all I can do ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">Is touch his cold foot ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">And wait. ** **<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;"> --February 2005 **
 * __<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif"; font-size: 16pt;">First Night __**<span style="font-family: "Poor Richard","serif";">